I Thought That I Identified As a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Helped Me Uncover the Actual Situation

In 2011, a couple of years before the celebrated David Bowie exhibition launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, one of whom I had wed. Two years later, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single caregiver to four kids, living in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and sexual orientation, looking to find clarity.

I entered the world in England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my companions and myself didn't have social platforms or YouTube to reference when we had questions about sex; instead, we looked to music icons, and in that decade, artists were playing with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported boys' clothes, Boy George wore women's fashion, and pop groups such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured members who were publicly out.

I wanted his narrow hips and defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and masculine torso. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

In that decade, I spent my time riding a motorbike and dressing like a tomboy, but I reverted back to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My husband transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the manhood I had previously abandoned.

Since nobody played with gender quite like David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a summer trip returning to England at the gallery, hoping that maybe he could guide my understanding.

I was uncertain exactly what I was searching for when I entered the exhibition - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the opulence of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, consequently, encounter a clue to my personal self.

I soon found myself facing a small television screen where the music video for "the iconic song" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking sharp in a slate-colored ensemble, while positioned laterally three backing singers dressed in drag clustered near a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of inherent stars; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Positioned as supporting acts, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, seemingly unaware to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their heavy makeup, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in female clothing - annoyed and restless, as if they were yearning for it all to end. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three individuals presenting as female, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Surprise. (Of course, there were further David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I became completely convinced that I wanted to rip it all off and transform like Bowie. I wanted his lean physique and his precise cut, his strong features and his masculine torso; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, Bowie's German period. Nevertheless I found myself incapable, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening prospect.

It took me several more years before I was willing. During that period, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and eliminated all my women's clothing, trimmed my tresses and commenced using male attire.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had left me paralysed with fear.

When the David Bowie show completed its global journey with a presentation in the American metropolis, five years later, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Positioned before the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and now I realized that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician not long after. I needed additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the things I worried about occurred.

I continue to possess many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to explore expression as Bowie had - and since I'm at peace with myself, I am able to.